Clearwater announces "Witless Protection Program"
- by Earl Camembert Clearwater, FL
December 20, 2000
Clearwater City Council today announced the opening of the downtown "Witless Protection Program" office, which will assist those who have joined a UFO nut-cult masquerading as a religious group, but are too embarrassed by their gullibility to ask for help to get out.
City spokesperson Eula McBain explained the purposes of the new office.
"What we’re offering is a safe place with caring people who promise not to laugh at you for having been part of a sci-fi fantasy nut-cult. We realize that it can be quite a shock to realize that you’ve been giving all your time, money and energy to a bunch of charlatans. We help people to understand that all sorts of well-meaning folks get sucked into stuff like this."
And how does this service differ from those offered by cult-watchdog agencies like The Lisa McPherson Trust?
" The Trust offers similar counselling for people wanting to get out.
The problem with the Lisa McPherson Trust office is that there’s a whole lot of cameras aimed at them, which makes it hard for some folks to stop in and talk without it being noticed by the cult. Our office looks just like a regular coffee shop on the outside."
Then how do you separate those who need your services from those who just stopped in to buy a coffee?
" That’s easy. When they order a coffee, our counter staff asks " Would you also like to buy a Bridge to Complete Happiness for $200,000.00 ?"
If they answer " Oh, yes, please!" then we activate the trap-door that drops ‘em downstairs to our counselling area.
"’Course, they’re free to leave immediately. We don’t hold anyone against their will. The only thing in their way is a door that opens inwards, marked "Push". That usually gives us a few minutes to talk to ‘em."
And what program is followed by those who do ask for help?
"We help people to understand that there is no global conspiracy to destroy the universe, that psychiatrists are not evil incarnate, and that there is a full, exciting life to be lived outside the clutches of organizations that regulate your every thought and punish you for questioning them. You’d be surprised how often our message is eagerly accepted by people who wanted out but didn’t know where to start."
So there you have it. If anyone is looking to get their life, money and
mind back, you could start by going for coffee.
"All that is required for tyranny to triumph is for good men to do nothing".