ABORT.GAG

Originally from Phil Swisher (1:261/1165.0) to Ken Ellis.
Original dated: Aug 12 '94, 08:28

Announcing the formation of the new, militant anti-abortion group:

                        GESTATION AT GUNPOINT
                          G.A.G., for short.

Here is our platform:

1) ROE, ROE, ROE YOUR BOAT, OR GET OUT AND WADE...:
   Abortions are declared illegal. The charge applied will be first degree
   premeditated murder, with death penalties to be administered to the
   mother, the doctor, and anyone within a 50 yard radius of the abortion.

2) MISS, PLEASE CARRY:
   A miscarriage is to be made a misdemeanor, and will be followed by a
   legal investigation to see if Felony Abortioning has occurred.

3) TWO EGGS, OVER HARD:
   Menstruation wastes potential human life. Menstruation will become a
   Violation, punishable by a fine of not less than 500.00 U.S. dollars.
   All paraphernalia associated with menstruation, such as pads, tampons,
   Midol, and Haagen-Daas Triple Brownie Fudge, are contraband.

4) WASTING SEED IS FOR THE BIRDS:
   Male masturbation wastes sperms, which are all potential human lives.
   Male masturbation will also become a Violation, punishable by a fine
   of not less than 500.00 U.S. dollars. All paraphernalia associated with
   masturbation, such as pornography, baby oil, handkerchiefs, and Sears
   1.2 HP Wet-And-Dry Vacs, are contraband.

5) FAIRNESS IN PROCREATION:
   Only one sperm cell reaches the egg during a given insemination. The
   others die, wasting potential human life! These sperm cells must instead
   be collected, frozen, and reintroduced to the woman at the next occasion
   of an ovulation. No sperm should be prevented from having the change to
   become a full adult human being!

6) TAKE TWO FORMS AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING:
   In order to effectively monitor that these laws are being executed
   correctly, G.A.G. recommends the establishment of an electronic
   records-keeping system. All women must register the dates of each
   ovulation and give an accounting of the disposition of the egg. If a
   period is skipped, the woman must fill out a form 6-236E and accompany
   it with a sworn statement from a doctor that the period did not occur.
   Every egg must result in a human being!

7) THE G.A.G. RULE:
   The topic of abortion is not up for debate. We proclaim it to be wrong,
   and that is that. All discussion of the abortion issue will be stopped,
   via repeal of the 1st amendment. Penalties for questioning the status
   of abortion, once we have implemented our agenda, should be severe
   enough to deter any desire by would-be offenders from breaking this rule.

8) NICARAGUAN CONTRA-CEPTIVES:
   All birth control, including rhythm methods and withdrawal, will be banned.
   Every act of intercourse must result in at least one conception, and
   every period must result in one fertilized egg.

9) TILL DEATH DO US PART:
   If a female insists on seeking an abortion, contrary to our law, we
   recommend that the potential mother be placed in prison, under Abortion
   Watch. If she insists on attempting to take the baby anyway, we
   recommend that she be killed and the fetus transplanted to a more
   agreeable host.

        Call 1-900-PRO-BABY. Have a credit card ready.


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