Jokes for/about women

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                   Female Jokes
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First Woman:  "This is very embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I
                have an orgasm."
Second Woman: "You poor dear!  Are you taking anything for that?"
First Woman:  "Snuff."

------------

What's the definition of the perfect woman?
    1)  She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth
        and her head is flat so you can put cocktails on it.
    2)  The sports model has pull-back ears and her teeth fold in.
    3)  The economy model - she fucks all night and at midnight
        she turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

------------

   Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up
to them and displayed his endowments.  The first old lady had a stroke,
the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady's arms were too
short to reach.

------------

  This guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and
  says, "I'd like a scotch and soda and I'd like to buy that
  douche bag at the end of the bar a drink."  The bartender
  says, "Hey, she's a regular and you can't be talking about
  her that way."  The guy says, "Okay, I'd like to buy that
  nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink."  The
  bartender says, "That's more like it," and he walks up to
  the girl and asks her what she wants to drink.  She says,
  "Vinegar and water."

------------

A man meets up with an old roomate whom he has not seen for many years.
The roomate has had a sex-change operation. "Was it painful?", asks the former.
"No, not really" says the second.  "How about when they cut off your dick?"
"No that really wasn't the worst of it."  "Really?" says the first.  "How
about  when they had to create the new hole?  That must have been painful."
"No the worst part was when they stuck the straw in my ear and sucked out half
my brains."

--------------

Why did God give women nipples?
       To make suckers out of men.

Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostiture for the new season?
       Because they needed two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Why are clams like women?
       When the red tide comes, you don't eat them.

How does a man know when he's eaten pussy well?
       When he wakes up in the morning and his face looks like a
       glazed doughnut.

Did you hear about the new video game for women only, called Dick-Man?
       You put a quarter in and get fucked.

I've got a joke so funny it'll make your breast fall off:
       Oh...I see you've already heard it.

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
       A cherry float.

What do you do when your Kotex catches fire?
       Throw it on the floor and tampon it.

What's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?
       Bo Derek getting older.

Did you hear about the new douche powder made of alum, LSD, and Kentucky
Fried Chicken batter?
       It's uptight, outasight, and finger-lickin' good.

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
       You can unscrew a light bulb.

What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
       They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you.

Why are women giving up bowling for screwing?
       The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.

What's the difference between a job and a wife?
       After five years, the job still sucks.

How do you make paper dolls?
       Screw an old bag.

What's the white stuff you find in women's panties?
       Clitty litter.

Bumber sticker: Support E.R.A. - make him sleep on the wet spot.

What do you call a rehabilitation home for ex-prostitutes?
       An all-the-way house.

Definition of a wife:  "An attachment you screw on the bed to get the
       housework done."

How are an oven and a woman alike?
       You have to get them both hot before you can stick the meat in.

Remember what's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? (Getting
fingered by Captain Hook.)  Well, you know what's worse than that?
       Getting eaten out by Jaws.

What's the purpose of a bellybutton?
       To put your gum in on the way down.

Why was the stamp commemorating prostitution so unpopular?
       You had to pay an extra ten cents to lick it.

What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
       You can't hear an enzyme.

How do you make a hormone?
       Put sand in the Vaseline.

What's a cunt that talks back?
       An answering cervix.

What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday?
       Mikey ... He'll eat anything.

What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive cream?
       A spermicidal maniac.

Why do women have legs?
       So they don't leave snail tracks on linoleum floors.

What do you call a hooker with no legs?
       A nightcrawler.

What do you call a girl who's just been run over by a car?
       Patty.

Why do female parachutists always wear pantyhose?
     So they won't whistle.

How do you tell when a woman is wearing pantyhose?
       If she farts, her ankles will swell.

How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
       Look for the dandruff on her shoes.

Why do women have 2 holes so close together?
       In case you miss.

Why do women have 2 holes so close together?
       So you can carry them home like a six-pack.

What do you call a female clone?
       A clunt.

Why did the guy trade in his wife for an outhouse?
       Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better.

Why is there a string on the end of a tampon?
       So you can floss after you eat.

How does a girl hold her liquor?
       By the ears!

How is a woman like a frying pan?
       You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

How is a woman like an airplane?
       Both have cockpits.

How is a woman like a road?
       Both have manholes.

Which of the group doesn't belong (eggs,wife,meat,blowjob)?
      A blowjob because you can beat the others but you can't beat a blowjob

Ladies, look down inside your shirts and spell the word  attic  out loud.

Three mysteries of women:
    1.  They can give milk without eating grass.
    2.  They can bleed for a week every month without dying.
    3.  (My favorite).  They can bury a bone without getting their
        noses dirty.

What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?
      Sends him to work.

Your wife's just like a rifle: First she gets cocked and then she blows.

Your wife's just like a bowling ball:  She gets picked up, fingered, thrown
in the gutter, and always comes back for more!

How many male Chauvinists does it take to clean a toilet ?????
       None ! Thats womans work.

What two things in the air might get a woman pregnant?
       Her feet!

If God didn't want man to eat pussy, He wouldn't have made it look
so much like a TACO!

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
     FULL!!

How can you tell if you've been fucking your girl too much?
A: Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up her snatch,
   If you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.

How does a women get a mink coat ?
   The same way mink gets a mink.

What do the two million battered wives in America all have in common?
   They don't know when the hell to shut up.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
   Slap her around a bit.

----------

    A woman goes to the gynecologist with a terrible case of
crotch rot.  The doctor takes one whiff & almost passes out.
"My dear," says the Doc, "this is serious!  What you need is Mega Douche!"
"Mega Douche?" says the woman, "What's that?"
"It's my own formula! It contains marijuana, talcum powder
 & Kentucky fried chicken."
"Why marijuana, talcum powder & fried chicken?"
"Because you wanna keep that thing high & dry & finger lickin good!"

-----------

Three men were sitting on a beach; a fairly good-looking blonde walks by.
The first man says, "I give her a six"; the second, "I give her a 7"; the
third says, "She is a 1."  The other two look at him and wonder.  Another
woman walks by.  The first man says, "She is an 8"; the second says, "I give
her an 8+"; the third says, "She is a three."  Again the first two men wonder
about him.  Then an extremely fine-looking redhead approaches.  The first man
says, "She is a 10!"  The second man says, "She is an 11!!"  The third guy
says, "She is a six."  The other two finally look at him and say, "What is the
matter with you, man??  That redhead is perfect!!  Are you weird or
something??"
     "Wait a minute--you don't understand; I use the Budweiser scale."
     "What the hell is that?"
     "That's how many clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."

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                How A Pussy Was Made
                ====================

        Seven Wise Men made up their minds
        to build then a Pussy of their own Design.

        The First was a Carpenter, full of wit,
        with a Hammer and Chisel, He made the Slit.

        The Second, a Blacksmith, black as coal,
        with an Anvil and Sledge, He made the Hole.

        The Third, a Rich Tailor, tall and thin,
        with a peice of Red Ribbon, He lined it within.

        The Fourth, a Furrier, big and stout,
        with the Skin of a Bear, He lined it without.

        The Fifth, a Fisherman, old and bent,
        with a Rotten Herring, He gave it a Scent.

        The Sixth, a Preacher, with a B.A. degree,
        Patted it, and Felt it, and said it would Pee.

        The Seventh, a Rabbi, a Mean Little Runt,
        Blessed it, and F*cked it, and called it a C*nt.

----------------

        This young rich man was looking for a wife, and had narrowed
his choices down to 3 women.  He couldn't make up his mind on which
one he should marry, so he tested them.  He gave each women $5,000
to see what they would spend it on.  The first woman went out, bought
furs and jewels, and blew all the money on herself.  The second woman
put half of it in the bank, and spent the rest of it on herself.  The
third woman bought herself a dress, and many, many gifts for the young
man.
        Given these facts, which woman do you think the young man
married?

answer:         The woman with the biggest tits, of course!

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                             Chemical Analysis

Element    : Woman
Symbol     : WO
Discoverer : Adam
Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 
             25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified
Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
           energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas
Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely
                     nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally 
                     unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter
                     if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from 
                     virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted 
                     by coins & sports cars. In its natural shape the 
                     specimen varys considerably, but it is often changed 
                     artificially so well that the change is indiscernable 
                     except to the experienced eye.
Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, & C, especially in the 
                     crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left 
                     alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly
                     desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such
                     as C(2)-H(5)-OH & sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst
                     is often required (must say that you love her at least 5
                     times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when 
                     in dark & all reaction conditions are suitable. 
                     Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable
                     pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
                     The reaction is highly exothermic.
Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 & 25 years.
Uses: Highly ornamental. Uses as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely 
      nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).
Tests: Pure specimens turn rosey tint if discovered in raw, natural state. 
       Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.
Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income & ego). Highly 
         explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great
         care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more
         than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is
         permitted.

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        Banana Loaf
        -----------

      2 laughing eyes
      2 bowing arms
      2 well-shaped legs
      2 firm milk containers
      1 fur-lined mixing bowl
      1 banana

   Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and
   massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased.  Check
   frequently with middle finger.  Add banana and gently work in and out until
   creamed.  Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief.  Bread is
   done when banana is soft.  Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick
   the bowl.

   WARNING:  If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !!!!!!!!

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What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?
       A widow.

Why do women have tits?
       So men will talk to them.

Why do women have periods?
       Because they deserve them.

Why is a woman better than a sheep?
       Sheep can't cook.

Why does a woman have one more brain cell than a cow?
       so she doesn't shit on the floor when she does the dishes.

What is the definition of "Male Chauvinist Pig?"
       A man who hates every bone in a woman's body--except his own.

--------------------

Joe: I got a problem.
Ed:  What's the matter?
Joe: Women.  I just don't understand them.
Ed:  Do you understand your TV?
Joe: No.
Ed:  So what's the problem?!

--------------------

And a little story:
 Guy and girl in back of van going at it...  Girl says "put a finger in me"
So he does.  Then she says "put another finger in me" and he does.
"Put ANOTHER finger in me" and again he does.  "Put your whole HAND in me"
and he does... "Put your other hand in me" and again he obeys.
"Now clap"  At this point he replies "I can't!"
"Tight  huh?"

--------------------

How many radical feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three: One to change it,
       One to support her by holding the ladder,
       One to write an indignant essay condemning the use of the
                word "screw".

--------------------

A woman pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood,
and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking,
she takes a dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to
the attendant:
"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"
"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"
"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!!"

--------------------

 Why do women have wrinkles at the corners of their eyes?
        Because they learned early in life to squint their
        eyes when they say "SUCK WHAT????"

How are women like clams?
        You don't eat them when the red tide comes in.

Definition of entrapment
        A snatch with a catch.

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I read the other day that the SAT tests are allegedly biased toward white
males and against females and minorities.  This is horse crap of the highest
order!  As irrefutable evidence, I cite the fact that 2.7 million women
scored higher on the SAT's than I did the year I took them.

However, in fairness to the ladies, I do remember a question in the math
section that was slightly biased.  It was something like this:

Two men and a 135 pound woman are in a pool hall. Man A buys the woman two
pitchers of beer, and man B buys the woman three pitchers of beer. Which man
gets laid?

A. Man A
B. Man B
C. Neither. A 135 pound woman will be dead after 5 pitchers of beer.
D. Both.

Correct answer: B

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                    THINGS YOU CAN SAY TO YOUR WENCH


Definition: from the Second College Edition of
            Webster's New World Dictionary of the American Language.

wench (wench) n. [ME. wenche, contr. < wenchel, child, boy, girl,
young woman < OE. wencel, a child, akin to wancol, unsteady (? in
reference to to an infant's gait): for IE. base see WINCH {1}]
1. a girl or young woman: now a somewhat derogatory or jocular term
2. [Archaic] a) a country girl  b) a female servant  c) a prostitute or
loose woman ---
              vi. to be sexually promiscuous with prostitutes or
loose women --- wench'er n.


                       Say: , Wench!

69; I'm not ready; I'm ready; I'm the best fuck you'll ever get;
I'm too good for you; I've got your pistol right here;
I don't care if it hurts; I don't know you; I know; I want more; S&M;
abort; again; beat it; because; beer; bend over; between the lips;
be useful; bite; blow harder; bondage; bow; bring out the soap; can it;
clean up; control; doesn't fit; does it hurt yet; doggie style;
don't be frigid; don't drool; don't fight it; don't fuck with me;
don't fumble; don't get mouthy; don't start with me; don't whine; down;
do it right; drink; drive; eat my wrench; enjoy; enough; flex; food;
fuck me; funnel; get IN the tub; get lost; get off my bed; get on it;
get on the pill; get out; get out the chains; get peeled;
get the fuck out; get the gear shift; get the whip;
get your ass over here; give it a rest; give it to me; give skull;
groan; hand action; heartless; here, now; here I come; incompetent;
inhale; in the bucket; in the hole; it's not mine; it's now or never;
just do it; just put it on; kneel; know your place; learn it;
jump my train; let's get it on; lick; lick it up; like it;
more lubricant; move over; next; no; now; oh no; on all fours;
on the bench; on the counter; on the floor; on top; on your back; open;
park it; pay the price; pay up; pour; pull over; pump; push harder;
put it on; quickie; roll over; rub harder; scream; see if I care;
service; shave it off; shut up; sink my pink torpedo; slush;
spit it out; spread 'em; stop bitching; stop it; stop squirming; strip;
stupid; submit; suck; swallow; take it off; thrust my pork sword;
tie me up; tighten; tongue action; too bad; tough; troubled; vaseline;
where's the hole; wider; wipe it up; work with me; you're in the book;
you're on the list; you sit in the wet spot


                       Say: , Wench?

     NEVER USE: please; how are you; did you enjoy it;
                do you want more; I love you;

     CAN USE: so; PMS; on the rag;


-----------------------------------------

Seen on a foxy lady's tee-shirt:

As the Hurricane said to the Palm Tree,
"Hold on to your nuts, cause this ain't no ordinary blow job!"

-----------------

Q: What do you call a woman who just lost 185 pounds of useless fat?
A: A divorcee.


Q: Why don't women have brains?
A: Because they don't have a penis to put them in.


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                        THE RULES

1) The Female Always Makes the Rules.

2) The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3) No Male can possibly know all the Rules.

4)  If the Female suspects the Male knows all the rules, she must immediatley
    change some or all of the rules.

5)  The Female is NEVER wrong.

6)  If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant Misunderstanding
    which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.

7)  If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize IMMEDIATELY for causing the
    Misunderstanding.

8)  The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9)  The Male must never change his mind without EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT from
    the Female.

10) The Female has every right to be Angry or Upset at any time.

11) The Male must remain Calm at ALL TIMES, unless the Female wants him
    to be Angry or Upset.

12) The Female must UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES let the Male know whether or not
    she wants him to be Angry or Upset.

13) Any attempt to document these Rules could result in Bodily Harm.

14) If the Female has PMS, All Rules are NULL and VOID.

**************************************************************************


                       The 9 Types of Boyfriends

 Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
 Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg,
 Snugglepup
 Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
 Disadvantages:  Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

 Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.  Let's
 stay home and watch TV."
 Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
 Mover, Jerk
 Advantages:  Stays put; predictable
 Disadvantages:  Royal pain in the ass

 Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
 Also known as:  Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
 Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
 Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

 Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
 Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n'
 Dumb
 Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
 Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

 Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
 Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
 Advantages: Well rested; easy target
 Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

 The Sneak - "Who, me?"
 Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
 Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
 Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

 Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed
 weasels, OK?"
 Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
 Advantages: Perpetually aroused
 Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

 The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous.  I don't know how,
 but--"
 Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
 Advantages: Tells good stories
 Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

 Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like
 crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
 Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
 Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
 Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction


                       The 9 Types of Girlfriends

 Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't
 have"
 Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,
 doormat
 Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
 Disadvantages: May wise up someday

 Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of
 a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
 Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from
 Hell
 Advantages: Pays attention to you
 Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

 Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet.  My cramps.  My cellulite"
 Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
 Advantages: Predictable
 Disadvantages: Contagious

 The Bosser - "Stand up straight.  Put on a different tie.  Get a haircut.
 Change your job.  Make some money. Don't give me that look."
 Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes
 Mom
 Advantages: Often right
 Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

 Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide.  Should I switch my
 career, goals, home, and hair color?"
 Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
 Advantages: Easily soothed
 Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

 Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love
 onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
 Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
 Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
 Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

 Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
 at"
 Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
 iceberg, Snarly
 Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
 Disadvantages: You will have no friends

 Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I
 feel about our relationship"
 Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
 Artistic
 Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
 Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

 Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
 handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed
 weasels now"
 Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
 Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
 Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear ________________,

     This letter was started by a woman much like yourself
in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and dis-
contented women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does
not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five
of your friends who are equally tired and discontent. Then,
bundle up your husband, boyfriend or boss, and send him to
the woman whose name appears at the top of this list and
add your name to the bottom of the list.

     When your name comes to the top of the list you will
receive 16,877 men and one of them is bound to be better
than the one you already had!

         DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN......HAVE FAITH!!!

One woman broke the chain and got her own S.O.B back. At
this writing a friend of mine had already received 184 men;
they buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 36
hours to get the smile off her face, an two days to get her
legs together so they could close the coffin.

                 YOU MUST HAVE FAITH......

                                    Sincerely,


                                    A Liberated Woman

--------------------------------------------------------

THE SINGLE GIRL's CHRISTMAS PRAYER

This Christmas may I have
at least one really nice date.

May his car have clean seats
and glass in all the windows

May he not be more than
three hours late

May his left eye match
the one on the right

May he have all his front teeth
and not be high a a kite

May he have all his hormones
under control

May he wear clean underpants
without any holes

May his whiskers not burn
and make my face blotch

May he think with his brain
and not with his crotch

And, Lord, if I might ask
for just one thing more...

May he have good aim in my bathroom
and not pee on my clean floor

--------------------------------------------------------

Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrance in the
Obstetrics Department: a child was born with both male and female organs.

A penis and a brain.

-------------------

What's the definition of the ideal man?

One with a twelve-inch tongue and a broom-handle through his ears.

-------------------

PENDLETON, Ind. (AP) -- Officials are considering changing the name of
Pendleton Middle School or at least removing its initials from
athletic uniforms to avoid embarrassment for its girls' teams.

-------------------

The destruction of the Berlin wall marked history's first feminine
revolution: There had been no violence and when it ended everybody went
shopping.

-------------------

Q. What do you call a woman who has PMS and ESP?

A. A bitch who thinks she knows it all.

-------------------

I hope that the packaging for the new Stayfree Maxipads with baking
soda includes a warning about the potential side effects of wearing
a baking soda laced feminine napkin after using a vinegar and water
douche.

-------------------

DAVID'S TRUTHS ABOUT WOMEN

In this world, there are two sets of women: women that you would love to be
with, and women that would love to be with you.  THERE IS NO UNION OF THESE
TWO SETS.

Any woman that you become extremely attracted to will tell you that you are
the best friend that a woman could ever have.

Being told that you are nice is:
        the equivalent to her saying, "I wish that you were my brother."
        a curse.
        her way of saying that "I hope we can just be friends.

A Slut is a woman that will sleep with anyone.  A Bitch is a woman that will
sleep with anyone but you.  All women are Bitches.

Only beautiful women who are engaged or engaged to be engaged or married or
your mother's best friend will think that you are a wonderful person that any
woman would die for.

These same women will be completely dumbfounded at the revelation that you
don't go out with a hundred women a week.  Much less one.

When a woman says "No!" she really means "Yes!" -- except, of course, when she
means "NO!"

Unless you make over a million dollars a year, you must completely ignore and
demean a woman to gain her affection.  If you completely disregard her
existence, she'll die for you.

The degree of subtlety used by a woman is inversely proportional to how
attracted you are to her.  If you are absolutely in love with everything about
her, her hints will amount to, "I really like your roommates new shoes."  If
you have no attraction to her what-so-ever, she will ask you to come spend a
week with her in the Bahamas.

A woman will confide in you that she slept with your best friend and that he
treated her like dirt afterwards.  She will go on-and-on for hours, until she
builds up enough nerve to ask him out again.

Every woman that you meet that you are instantly attracted to will be:
        Married,
        heavily dating the same guy for the 3rd year,
        a lesbian
        my brother's ex-girlfriend.

A "Taken" woman will tell you that you are a great-looking guy, but that looks
don't matter anyway and that she'd go out with you if she wasn't already
dating someone.

"Taken" women are the only women capable of understanding your wonderful sense
of humor, you amazing musical talent, your tremendous sensitivity, and
gracious generosity.

A Woman will talk to you about a certain guy that they think is a real jerk,
wondering what any Woman would see in him, and then ask you to set them up.

Women will absolutely drive you crazy and seemingly make no sense.

Women will confuse you and make you distraught.

Women are the most wonderful things in the entire world.  They are the most
precious element that the world could ever know.  Everything from the way
they look to the way they talk to the way the move, walk, sigh, gesture,
dance, smile, laugh, cuddle, squeeze, tease, hug, caress, smell, taste --  is
fantastic.

-------------------

*** Looking for a girl-friend ***

Following are some of the requirements.

*  Make and Model       : Human/Woman
*  Year                 : 1966 - 1972
*  Mileage              : Low (prefer ~0)
*  Engine               : Three Cylinder (V-1 position)
                          EFI**
                          Multi-port Injection
                          Single fuel intake/double exhaust (all three usable)
                          Very low noise
                          Quick acceleration (Zero to Sixty Nine in <8 sec.)
                          A lot of horse power (must feel it)
                          No exhaust fumes or smoke
*  Transmission         : Manual
                          Over-drive required
                          Ease of use of the stick shift is a plus
*  Clutch               : Good condition, should be able to handle hard
                           driving in the city.
*  Breaks               : Front - Disk, Rear - Cylinder (no leaks in the
                           system and enough fluids)
*  Radiator             : No boiling
                          Quick warm up and cool down
*  Body                 : No Dents/Excellent Condition (well kept)
                          Color - any (original hood color)
                          Detailing - as needed but not over-done
                          Blinking lights-any color (prefer blue)
                          Weight - Less than 115 lb
                          Pleasant Grill
                          Easily Convertible (Remover cover at will)
                          Comfortable Driver Seat
                          Front and Back Double Soft-Cushion(tm) suspension
                          Slim but adequate tires
                          Absolutely no rust (must be checked and certified)
                          Clean inside (should be able to eat off it)
*  Cost                 : Less than the Bill of rights


** EFI = Easy Front Interface

-------------------

In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Henderson) writes:
> Women's faults are many.
> Men have only two,
> Everything they say
> And everything they do.

A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.

-------------------

 Looking for a Wife
 ------------------

 Hardware Requirements:

         1. Pleasant screen and chassis.

         2. Moderate size disk drives.

         3. Must come with original manufacturer write-protect tab.

         4. Must be easily interconnectible to accessories such as
            vacuum cleaners, ovens, brooms, washing machines, etc.

 Software Requirements:

         1. Compiler for IOHL (International Obedient Housewife
            Language) basic command subset (e.g. clean, wash,
            cook, of_course_dear).

         2. Single-user mode ONLY.

         3. Very-user-friendly interface.

         4. Word "no" must not appear in /usr/dict/words.

-------------------

The official list of types of pussy found throughout the land.

1. Expensive pussy:  Most pussy falls into this definition.  Expensive
   pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses,
   spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them.
   98% of the pussy found on the USC campus falls into this category.
   Advantages:  If you can afford it, it will be great.
   Disadvantages:  Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion.
   Often not worth it.

2. Cheap pussy:  Very rare.  Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of
   yours who will not go away no matter what you do.  Cheap pussy can be
   recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands
   when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt,
   but shakes it off.
   Advantages:  Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and
   sometimes twice.  You're lucky if you find this.
   Disadvantages:  Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can
   keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want
   to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it.
   Often not worth it.

3. Hired pussy:  Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every
   other large city in the US and abroad.  Recognized by scanty clothes
   and come-hither looks.  Expense varies greatly with the quality.  The
   difference between Hired pussy and Expensive pussy is that the money is
   up-front.
   Advantages:  You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend,
   doesn't care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced,
   usually cheaper than Expensive pussy.
   Disadvantages:  More expensive than Cheap pussy in the long run, risk
   of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time
   is high.  Often not worth it.

4. Virgin pussy:  This type is getting rarer each day.  Recognized by
   conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty
   jokes and porno movies.  Can be very loving if you promise marraige,
   but will cause you more problems as you go along.  Frustration level
   is high as Virgin pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown
   reason.
   Advantages:  Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight "fit"
   if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer
   "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained.
   Disadvantages:  Usually will not give in until marraige, will cause
   discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually using birth
   control which can cause "accidents", can only be used once.
   Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.

5. Nympho pussy:  Very rare.  Recognized by the tendency to drag you by
   your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion.  Very
   experienced, will teach you things you never knew.  Expense varies
   depending on level of Nymphomania.
   Advantages:  Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.
   Disadvantages:  You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk
   can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable,
   will not give a steady relationship. Often not worth it.

6. Frigid pussy:  Less rare.  See (4) for recognition.  Difference is that
   this pussy will not yield no matter what.  Any expense involved is simply
   wasted (unless you are into real frustration).
   Advantages:  There are no advantages.
   Disadvantages:  Too many to list here.  Best to stay away once recognized.
   Never worth it.

7. Innocent Nympho pussy:  Rare.  Recognized by being in a small, sweet,
   innocent package which you would never in a million years think would
   give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise.  Often
   mistaken for (4).  Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper
   catagory.
   Advantages:  The surprise is blissful.  Always worth it.  Keep it if you
   can.
   Disadvantages:  If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequenses may
   result.  May or may not be faithful.

8. Party pussy:  Found at bars and at parties.  Recognized by glass of wine
   in hand and bloodshot eyes.  Will engage in group festivities while
   completely ripped.  Expense usually covers drinks.  Make sure you are
   not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.
   Advantages:  Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky.  Be sure to say
   the right things.
   Disadvantages:  Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful,
   the Support System may tend to puke all over you.  Often not worth it.

9. Nutsy pussy:  Support System has psychological problems.  Recognized by
   fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you.
   May tend to kill you while you sleep.  Gives in for no apparent reason.
   Usually found as a quiet co-worker.
   Advantages:  Easy.
   Disadvantages:  Never really worth it.


(Note to Ed.  This is taken from my ~/.plan; if you think Salman Rushdie
 has problems, you should see the reaction it evokes from feminists ...)

-------------------

Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women
---------------------------------------------

Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the
 old one is _really_ worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy
 Motorcycle magazines.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them,
 you don't get them.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics
 to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register
 your Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist
 and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apoligize
 before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

-------------------

 Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

 So you can tell them apart from feminists.

-------------------

In article <[email protected]> [email protected] (Peter Gruenbaum) writes:
>
>got in the car with her, the abuse began.  I made fun her driving,
>her accent, her background.   I borrowed money at a Burger King and refused
>to even give her the change.  I tied her shoelaces together when she wasn't
>looking.  I was the most obnoxious I have ever been in my entire life.
>
>And it worked.  By the end of the four hour car ride I was getting definite
>signs that she was interested.  And in the end, we had a really nice (but

        Definately good advise, from the opinion of Mr. Crude himself, Wardiag.
I really liked the bit about tying her showlaces together. And the change
thing. Main things to abuse woman with:

        1. Money - get all you can from her.

        2. Sex   - get all you can from her.

        3. Booze - drink all her booze and make her pay for it.

        4. Food - spend many nights at girlfriends house, and eat all her food,
           then tell her you didn't like it, and to buy more.

        5. Timing - always be late on a date (she'll remember you better)

        6. Pets - if she's got a pet, be real friendly with it, so it likes you
           better than her.

        7. Never pay for anything.

        8. Blame - everything is always her fault.

        9. Make her drive, and give her bad directions, then when she gets
           lost, yell at her.

        10. And lastly, always arrive drunk for dates.

        Follow these rules and never be stuck without a woman again! However
you may not want to follow ALL of them ALL of the time, or you may never BE
with a woman ever again! Be creative, and maybe use #5 with #2 one night,
and #10 and #6 another.

        More unimaginative late night splutter from the mind of:

                           **** WARDIAG ****
                            @sky.com

-------------------

Mastering the Art of Male Supremacy:
Training Techniques for the Home Front
by Andy Kane

"Learn, the humor way, how to trick your woman into thinking you're
too incompetent to do the shopping, laundry, diaper-changing, cooking
and mowing the lawn, while at the same time controlling her
expenditures, travel, acquaintances and decision-making power.

"Before author Andy Kane could succeed in any of his diverse careers,
he had to first establish his authority at home. Only with your woman
in rein can you relax. Kane's motto is: let the woman in your life know
who is boss. Be a man in a man's world.

"Get the upper hand at home. Life should be as easy as a shady hammock
and a cold brew in hand. Don't let anyone, especially that woman,
convince you otherwise!"

-------------------

                              MARRIAGE HUMOR


       Mostly from ``Another Almanac of Words at Play'', by Willard Espy.

          "It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is
           sure to find out next morning it was someone else."
                              --Rogers

             "If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry."
                              --Chekhov

              "The most happy marriage I can picture would
               be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."
                              --Coleridge

          "Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as
            happy in the arms of a chambermaid as a duchess."
                             --Dr. Johnson

       "If a man hears much that a woman says, she is not beautiful."
                               --Haskins

                   "A man does not look behind the door
                    unless he has stood there himself."
                              --Du Bois

       "A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house."
                              --Moliere

       "Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a
        confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished."
                               --Goethe

            "In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved."
                               --Butler

     "A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for
      this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy."
                              --Nietzsche

             "Men who cherish for women the highest respect
              are seldom popular with them.''
                            --author unknown

                 "Woman inspires us to great things, and
                  prevents us from achieving them."
                                --Dumas

            "Nature has given women so much power that the law
             has very wisely given them little."
                             --Dr. Johnson

            "The great question... which I have not been able
             to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
                                --Freud

              "Home life as we understand it is no more
               natural to us than a cage is to a cockatoo."
                                --Shaw


        "Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside
         desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out."
                              --Montaigne

          "For a male and female to live continuously together is...
           biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition."
                          --Robert Briffault

                  "Marriage is low down, but you spend
                   the rest of your life paying  for it."
                               --Baskins
                       
        A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.

     A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.

              Marriage is a rest period between romances.

                Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

          Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.

      Marriage is an institution -- but who wants to live in one?

          Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of
          person your spouse would have really preferred.

       Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
       Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

              Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

-------------------

Every woman's a 10.  It just depends upon which base you're counting in.

-------------------

NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.

   Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have proof!
   After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
   topics, these facts have emerged.

Relationships:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-
regular basis".

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the
break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive
you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to
know that there's always a chance for us".  This is known as the "I
Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have
made at least once.  There are community colleges that offer courses
to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove
effective.

Sex:

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high
school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.  Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked women.  This is because the
female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy
and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.  Men are turned
on at the sight of a naked woman's body.  Most naked men elicit
laughter from women.

Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large
loops in their "p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note
from a woman.  Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face
at the end of the note.

Comedy:

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on.
Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it
out.

Bathrooms:

A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn.  The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
437.  A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lime and a beer.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He
buys everything that looks good.  By the time a man reached the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car
on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not stop him from going
to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and
then slip on Reebok sneakers.  She will carry her dress shoes in a
plastic bag from Saks.  When a woman gets to work, she will put on her
dress shoes.  Five minutes later she will kick them off because her
feet are under the desk.  A man will wear the same pair of shoes all
day.

Leg Warmers:

Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.  She can wear them any
time she wants.  A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning
for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Going Out:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her
makeup...

Cats:

Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Low Blows:

Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One of
the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says "Oh, gee.  That
must have hurt."  The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS
the pain.

Dressing Up:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man will
dress up for: weddings, funerals.

David Letterman:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
haircut.

Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always
expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.  This is a myth
perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Weddings:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".  Men
talk about "the bachelor party".

Socks:

Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.  Women
wear strange socks.  Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that
have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the
back.

Nicknames:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla,
Peanut-Brain and Useless.


Eating out:

... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw
in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.  None of them will
have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change
back.  When the girls get their check, out come the pocket
calculators.

Mirrors:

Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any
shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe
Garagiola's head.

Menopause:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.  The
nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:

Men see the telephone as a communication tool.  They use the telephone
to send short messages to other people.  A woman can visit her
girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the
same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Directions:

If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.  Men will never stop and
ask for directions.  Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the
while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get
there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood.  I recognize
that 7-11 store."

Admitting Mistakes:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.  The last man who
admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.  Men
hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works
at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:

Same as above, but reversed.  Same reason.

Toys:

Little girls love to play with toys.  Then when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest.  Men never grow out of their obsession
with toys.  As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive
and silly and impractical.  Examples of men's toys: little miniature
TV's.  Car phones.  Complicated juicers and blenders.  Graphic
equalizers.  Small robots that serve cocktails on command.  Video
games.  Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D"
batteries to operate.

Plants:

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.  The
man waters the plants.  The woman comes home five or six days later to
an apartment full of dead plants.  No one knows why this happens.

Cameras:

Men take photography very seriously.  They'll shell out $4000 for
state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography
classes.  Women purchase Kodak Instamatics.  Of course women always
end up taking better pictures.

Locker Rooms:

In the locker room men talk about three things:  money, football, and
women.  They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly
as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex.  And not in
abstract terms, either.  They are extremely graphic and technical, and
they never lie.

Garages:

Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.  Men
use garages for many things.  They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in
garages.

Movies:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced
by a man.  The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is
Richard Gere.  This is another reason why men hate him.

Jewelry:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.  A man can get away with
wearing one ring and that's it.  Any more than that and he will look
like a lounge singer named Vic.

-------------------

Q.: Why do blondes have more fun?
A.: They don't know any better.

Q.: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A.: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q.: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: "What's a light bulb?"

Q.: Why do blondes wear clothing with shoulder pads?
A.: (said with shoulders raised and head bouncing from left to right)
    "I dunno."

-------------------

My wife and I were having our nightly husband-wife talk time last night when
our conversation drifted towards the philosophical/religious.

"When the Bible states _man_ was created in God's image--that includes women
too--doesn't it?"  My wife opined.

"No honey.  I think the male was created in God's image, but the female was
created in the image of the male."  I responded--mostly in jest.

My wife quickly quipped back.  "I think you've got it all wrong...woman was
created in the image of God and men _evolved_ from apes!"

You know...I think she's right!

-------------------

To be recited over many beers:

To space!

When God made man,
        he made him with string.
He had a little left,
        so he left a little thing.

When God made woman,
        he made her with lace,
He didn't have enough,
        so he left a little space.

To space!

Author unknown

-------------------

Subject: 15 Reasons Why Heroin Is Better Than Women

(original by Jani Heinonen)

1. A heroin habit is relatively easy to kick.
2. You can stow your heroin and related paraphernalia in a locked compartment.
3. The needle vending machine usually works and doesn't require coins.
4. The heroin itself doesn't pose a risk of HIV infection.
5. Heroin is the same among all cultures.
6. When travelling with heroin, you don't have to pay its ticket.
7. You can define the purity of heroin by its colour.
8. You can go out with your heroin in your pocket.
9. You may get free samples of heroin from professionals.
10. Heroin doesn't resist when you press the bulb.
11. Heroin always comes with a rush.
12. Heroin doesn't care about your looks, as long as you have good veins.
13. You can use heroin any way you like.
14. High grade heroin is, after all, much cheaper than high grade women.
15. Heroin doesn't mind being abused.

-------------------

A friend told me this, she heard it from a standup comic:

    "You know the Norplant thing?  It's a new birth control device for
women.  It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm.

     Well, they're coming out with a new one for men: it's a brain, that
goes in your head."

-------------------

Q:  Why does Santa wear red underwear?

A:  He's a man--he did all his laundry in one load.

-------------------

SEMINARS FOR MEN:

Once again, the female staff will be offering courses to men of all
marital status.  Please note, the names of some of the courses have
been changed.  Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is
mandatory.

1.  Combatting Stupidity
2.  You Can Do Housework Too
3.  PMS - Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4.  How to Fill an Ice Tray
5.  We do not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas.  GIVE US MONEY.
6.  Understanding the Female Response to your Coming in Drunk at 3am
7.  Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash my Silks")
8.  Parenting - No, it Doesn't End with Conception.
9.  How not to Act like an Ass, When you are Obviously Wrong
10.  Get a Life - Learn to Cook.
11.  Spelling - Even you can get it right
12.  You - The Weaker Sex
13.  Reasons to give Flowers
14.  How to stay awake after sex
15.  Why it is Unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the Washroom
16.  Garbage - Getting it to the Curb.
17.  #101 - You Can Fall Asleep With Out It - If You Really Try
     #102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower
18.  I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
19.  How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
20.  Give me a Break - Why we know your excuses are B.S.
21.  The Weekend and Sports are not Synonymous
22.  How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost
23.  The Remote Control - Overcoming your Dependency
24.  Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex
25.  Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes
26.  Changing your Underwear - It Really Works
27.  How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
28.  You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
29.  Male Bonding - Leaving your Friends at Home
30.  Fluffing the Blankets after Releasing Gas is NOT Necessary
31.  The Attainable Goal - Omitting ]@#$&$ From Your Vocabulary
32.  Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked

-------------------

After living with this girl for about 2 years I finally
decided to make an honest woman out of her.  Now does
anyone know where I can pick up some sodium penathol?

-------------------

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So they don't get mistaken for lesbians

-------------------

A male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show.
The DJ asked the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced
during the operation.  The transexual replied,
"Well, when they cut my penis off that really didn't hurt too much."
"Even when they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't
hurt too much either...."
"Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?"
"Hell no!  It hurt like hell when they stuck that big fucking needle in
my head and sucked out all my brains!"

-------------------

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN:

Once again, the male staff will be offering courses to women of all marital
status.  Please note, homework is mandatory. Attendance in at least 10 of
the following courses is not mandatory.

1.  Combatting the Impulse to Nag
2.  You Can Change the Oil Too
3.  PMS - Learning to Sleep Over at Mother's
4.  How to Fill a Beer Mug
5.  We do not want Stationary for Christmas - PUT ON SLEAZY UNDERTHINGS
6.  Understanding the Female Cause of Male Drunkenness
7.  How to Do All Your Laundry in One Load and Have More Time to Watch Football
8.  Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children so You Could Have Someone
    Other Than Him to Boss Around
9.  How Not to Sob Like a Sponge When Your Husband is Right
10. Get a Life - Learn to Kill Spiders Yourself
11. Balancing a Checkbook - Even You Can Get it Right
12. You, the Whining Sex
13. Reasons to Give _ _ _ _  _ _ _ S
14. How to Stay Awake During Sex
15. Why it is Unacceptable to Talk About Placentas During Breakfast
16. Shopping - Doing it in Less Than 16 Hours
17. #101 You Can Use a Bed for More Than Just Sleep
    #102 It's OK to Do It Outside of the Bedroom
18. If You Want to Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
19. How to Close the Garage Door
20. If You Don't Want an Excuse, Don't Demand an Explanation
21. Payday and Shopping Are Not Synonymous
22. How to Go Fishing With Your Mate and Not Catch Pneumonia
23. Living Without Power Windows - How to Turn a Crank
24. Romanticism - The Whole Point of Caviar, Candles, and Conversation
25. How to Stay Alive While Your Husband is Relaxing
26. Putting On Something Sexy - Why it Won't Ruin Your Brain
27. How to Act Younger Than Your Mother
28. You Too Can Carry a Backpack
29. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not the Women Who
    Complain About You the Most
30. Apologizing for Farting When You're On the Toilet is NOT Necessary
31. The Attainable Goal - Catching a Ball Before It Stops Moving
32. Honest, My Eyes Are Closed Because of the Passion I Feel

-------------------

Why couldn't Helen Keller Drive???

Because she was a woman!!

-------------------

 
They've come up with a new condom that's much more sensitive than any
currently on the market.  
 
After the man leaves, it stays and talks with the woman for a while.

-------------------

Two brunettes and a blonde walk into a bar.  Stepping up to the bar the first
brunette asks for a "W.W."  The bartender not knowing what she wanted politely
asked if she could explain just what a "W.W." is.  The brunette replied that
it was a white wine.

The second brunette walks up to the bar and asks for a "V.S."  The bartender, a
little perplexed now, looks at her and asks, "is this is stump the bartender
night or what."  The brunette giving a teasing smile tells the bartender that a
"V.S." is a vodka sour.  The bartender gave her the drink and she walked away.

The blonde steps up to the bar and giggling she asks for a "15."  The
bartender, a little fed up with these ladies, rather rudely asks , "what in the
HELL a "15" is?!?"  The blond promptly replies, "like, duh, you know... a 7-7!"

-------------------

*** Looking for a boy-friend ***

Following are some of the requirements.

* Make and Model : Human/Male

* Year : 1950 - 1958

* Mileage : Low mileage

* Engine : Eight Cylinder (V-1 position)
                    EFI**
                    Manual overdrive
                    Cam shaft in excellent condition
                    Well lubed
                    Triple exhaust (all three functional)
                    Very low noise
                    Quick acceleration (Zero to Sixty Nine in <8 sec.)
                    A lot of horse power (must feel it)
                    Repeating pistons
                    Built in fuel injection
                    No exhaust fumes or smoke

* Transmission : Manual

* Stick Shift : 5 on the floor;
                    Fun in 1st, sensual in 2nd, titillating in 3rd,
                    fabulous in 4th, and fucking good in 5th.
                    Revs in reverse and performs in Park
                    Over-drive required
                    Ease of use of the stick shift is a plus

* Shocks : Smooth ride and heavy duty suspension


* Brakes : Front - Disk, Rear - Cylinder
                          (no leaks in the system and enough fluids)

* Steering : Power steering
                          Easy to handle
                          Endurance tested
                          Cruise control

* Radiator : No boiling
                          Quick warm up and cool down and good for long trips

* Body : Extremely hard glossy finish
                          Well constructed
                          Power locks
                          Long body
                          Good breather
                          Safety inspected
                          No Dents/Excellent Condition (well kept)
                          Colour - any
                          Detailing - as needed but not over-done
                          Blinking lights - any colour
                          Weight - 140 - 210 lbs
                          Pleasant Grill
                          Easily Convertible - Removable cover at will
                          Comfortable Driver Seat
                          Front and Back Double Soft-Cushion(tm) suspension
                          Slim but adequate tires
                          Absolutely no rust (must be checked/certified by me)
                          Clean engine (should be able to eat it)

* Driving : Has a good hard drive
                          Evokes a great deal of pleasure

* Cost : Less than the Bill of rights

** EFI =Easy Front Interface

-------------------

*** Looking for a boy-friend ***

Following are some of the requirements.

* Make and Model : Human/Male

* Year : 1950 - 1958

* Mileage : Low mileage

* Engine : Eight Cylinder (V-1 position)
                    EFI**
                    Manual overdrive
                    Cam shaft in excellent condition
                    Well lubed
                    Triple exhaust (all three functional)
                    Very low noise
                    Quick acceleration (Zero to Sixty Nine in <8 sec.)
                    A lot of horse power (must feel it)
                    Repeating pistons
                    Built in fuel injection
                    No exhaust fumes or smoke

* Transmission : Manual

* Stick Shift : 5 on the floor;
                    Fun in 1st, sensual in 2nd, titillating in 3rd,
                    fabulous in 4th, and fucking good in 5th.
                    Revs in reverse and performs in Park
                    Over-drive required
                    Ease of use of the stick shift is a plus

* Shocks : Smooth ride and heavy duty suspension


* Brakes : Front - Disk, Rear - Cylinder
                          (no leaks in the system and enough fluids)

* Steering : Power steering
                          Easy to handle
                          Endurance tested
                          Cruise control

* Radiator : No boiling
                          Quick warm up and cool down and good for long trips

* Body : Extremely hard glossy finish
                          Well constructed
                          Power locks
                          Long body
                          Good breather
                          Safety inspected
                          No Dents/Excellent Condition (well kept)
                          Colour - any
                          Detailing - as needed but not over-done
                          Blinking lights - any colour
                          Weight - 140 - 210 lbs
                          Pleasant Grill
                          Easily Convertible - Removable cover at will
                          Comfortable Driver Seat
                          Front and Back Double Soft-Cushion(tm) suspension
                          Slim but adequate tires
                          Absolutely no rust (must be checked/certified by me)
                          Clean engine (should be able to eat it)

* Driving : Has a good hard drive
                          Evokes a great deal of pleasure

* Cost : Less than the Bill of rights

** EFI =Easy Front Interface

-------------------

    NICE GUY'S GUIDE TO WOMEN'S EUPHEMISMS

WOMEN'S EUPHEMISM:  Let's just be friends.
REALITY:  Get the hell out of my life.

EUPH:  You're so nice.
REALITY:  I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last guy on earth.

EUPH:  I want a man with a sense of humor.
REALITY:  I want a man who can make me laugh.

EUPH:  I want a physically fit man.
REALITY:  I want a tall, muscular and handsome man.

EUPH:  I want a financially stable man.
REALITY:  I want a rich man.

EUPH:  I want a confident man.
REALITY: I want a man who is the life of the party.

EUPH:  You're a great catch.
REALITY:  You're a great catch for some other woman.

EUPH:  I want a family-oriented man.
REALITY:  I want a man who won't mind giving me a dozen kids.

EUPH:  I want a man who gives a lot of himself.
REALITY:  I want a man who showers me with expensive, store-bought gifts. 

EUPH:  I'm busy this weekend.
REALITY:  You worthless, inferior bastard!  How dare you suggest we 
date?  Just the thought of it makes my skin crawl.  I don't want to go 
out with you--ever!