1. MOM'S SURVIVAL TIPS
2. Don't try to live with anyone who insists on
alphabetizing your spice rack.
3. When someone tells you that what he's about to
say is "for your own good," expect the worst.
4. Do not make an obscene gesture at anyone driving
a pickup truck with a gun rack.
5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but
don't swallow it whole.
6. When a politician says, "Let me make something
perfectly clear..." remember that he usually won't.
7. After a certain age, if you say something
outrageous, everyone will think it's cute. Take advantage of this.
8. Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make
up for all of the things you got away with that nobody
9. Don't wait for the funeral to say something kind or nice about someone.
10. Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be
in your attic and basement forever.
11. If you wouldn't want to see it in a newspaper or on the
evening news, don't do it.
12. If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just
can't put it into words," he doesn't know what he means.
13. Don't let a child with the stomach flu sleep on
the top bunk.
14. If a man has to hire a public relations firm to
shape his image, he doesn't know who he is, and more
important, he doesn't want you to find out.
15. The only receipt you don't save is the only one
you'll need later.
16. If you humiliate yourself, be consoled with the
thought that you probably made someone else's
day...maybe even their week. Think of your
humiliation as an act of charity.
17. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the
toilet when you're taking a shower.
18. The value of a cat is its utter indifference to
its owner's importance.
19. Never purchase a tool to clean behind radiators,
because you won't have an excuse not to clean there.
20. Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend; you
can't pat yourself on the back, and it's unsatisfying
to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend
21. Think like a good actor: Observe, observe, observe.
22. It's a proven fact that zipping up a small child's
snowsuit will cause her to wet her pants.
There is no known cure for this.
23. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much
fun it is to be idiotic.
24. Two people cannot successfully operate a TV remote
control in the same room at the same time.
25. If you want to hid candy bars so you can eat them after
the kids are in bed, put the candy in the freezer in a
paper bag labeled "Fish."
26. And know when to leave the stage, Like right now.