Fundy Door Hijinks -- Dare to be Stupid.

From: Hector Plasmic

Miscellaneous excerpts from FUNDY.LOG. Names removed to protect the more-or-less innocent (people will confess the strangest things to The Fundy). If what The Fundy rants sounds familiar, remember that most of it came from the lips (or fingertips, as it were) of real-life fundies in this very echo. WARNING: reading excerpts from the Fundy Door log has been shown to cause cancer in laboratory fundies.

(Guess who this echo-participant is)

Fundy: "PRAISE the LORD, I'm here to SAVE you from HELL, SINNER!  TIHS!"
User:  "I need someone to pray for me, brother!"
Fundy: "Gimme an AMEN, you silly GODless little human scum."
User:  "Amen! Beat me, beat me, oh please pinch me too!"
Fundy: "PRAYER is the key to HEAVEN.  GET ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY, SINNER, OR"
Fundy: "GO TO HELL WHERE YOU BELONG!"
User:  "I only get on my knees when I'm worshiping a ladyfriend."
Fundy: "With PRAYER everything is possible.  Without PRAYER nothing is"
Fundy: "possible.  God's Word!  I have God's Word on it!  Let those with"
Fundy: "ears to hear, hear!"
User:  "I couldn't get laid even with God's help!"
Fundy: "JESUS whose name is LOVE will WHIP YOU, SINNER!"
User:  "Will he kiss me too? Ohhhh! I like it, i like it!"
Fundy: "RENOUNCE YOUR FALSE GODS, PAGAN SCUM!!!!!"
User:  "As long as I get to keep anal sex. . . . Sure!"
Fundy: "REPENT NOW OR DIE OF AIDS!!"
User:  "I'd rather die, thank you."
Fundy: "Have you accepted JESUS and THE HOLY GHOST Casper be his name?!?"
User:  "My butt-hole isn't that wide."
Fundy: "Let the HOLY GHOST fill you, you FISHBAIT SINNER."
User:  "I'm not that way."
Fundy: "How DARE you use such language to a MAN of GOD like myself?!?"
User:  "You mean like "Butt" and "Fuck" and "Shit" and "Democrat?" That kind"
Fundy: "All good Christians vote Republican.  Democrats are spawn of Satan."
User:  "Yes, I knew that somehow. . . . Satan love me, you know."
Fundy: "AIDS is GOD'S vengeance against rutting SINNERS like yourself."
User:  "Goddess, how I -WISH- I were a "rutting sinner!" Or just "rutting.""
Fundy: "For God so loved the world that He sent His Son to die so that you"
Fundy: "WILL BURN IN HELL IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT HIM!!"
User:  "And his son's name is Billy, who roasted on the holy barbeque."
Fundy: "GOD is the God of LOVE.  ACCEPT HIS LOVE OR BURN!"
User:  "Hee hee! This is a -GREAT- program. I like it!"
Fundy: "REPENT and be SAVED from the ever burning FIRES of the PITS of HELL!"
User:  "What about sex? Can I get any in heaven?"
Fundy: "HEAVEN is GOD'S promise to those who think the TRUTH like ME!"
User:  "What? No Sex???"
Fundy: "Sex IS SIN!!!"
User:  "Then I wish I were a sinner."
Fundy: "HELL is the place my loving God has reserved for you TO SUFFER ETERNAL"
Fundy: "TORMENT AND DAMNATION IN, SINNER!"
User:  "As long as I get to keep my own penis, that's good enough for me."
Fundy: "Repent your sins and escape the fires of Hell!  Tell me about your"
Fundy: "promiscuous and perverted sex life.  In detail."
User:  "That would take three seconds. . . . spanning all 33 years."
Fundy: "You will BURN!!!!!!!!!  I laugh at your imminent eternal torture!"
User:  "What an awesome program! It's convinced me to repent!"
Fundy: "HELL YAWNS FOR YOUR ROTTEN FESTERING SOUL!!"
User:  "quit"
Fundy: "Come back here, you GODless DAMNed silly HEATHEN human!  REPENT!"

Fundy: "PRAISE the LORD, I'm here to SAVE you from HELL, SINNER! TIHS!" User: "Hey man what up" Fundy: "What kind of DRIVEL is that you're spewing?" User: "I'm just kidding. I was wondering if you could help me with some info" Fundy: "Say WHAT? Haven't you READ the BIBLE GOD'S HOLY WORD?" User: "yes" Fundy: "Oh, please, you can do better than that..." User: "Yes I've read the Bible. As a matter of fact I'm kind of a theologist." Fundy: "JESUS whose name is LOVE will WHIP YOU, SINNER!" User: "Watch who your talking to Holy boy" Fundy: "Obey New Testament morality or you will contract AIDS and DIE!" User: "I don't fuck women alright"

Fundy: "PRAISE the LORD, I'm here to SAVE you from HELL, SINNER! TIHS!" User: "BRAISE DE LAWD! wITH GRAVY, PREFERABLY." Fundy: "You MUST be saved. If you WON'T be saved, it'd be more merciful for" Fundy: "some True Christian to shoot you in the back, like we did that" Fundy: "abortion doctor, before you have a chance to commit more sins." Fundy: "REPENT!" User: "HERETIC! Bow before the sword of Islam!" Fundy: "Moslems worship the false god ALLAH and will go to HELL for it!"

Fundy: "PRAISE the LORD, I'm here to SAVE you from HELL, SINNER! TIHS!" User: "I have been saved you moron!" Fundy: "What kind of DRIVEL is that you're spewing?" User: "what kind of person are you?" Fundy: "Say WHAT? Haven't you READ the BIBLE GOD'S HOLY WORD?" User: "yes I have!" Fundy: "Oh, please, you can do better than that..." User: "I read the bible every night!!" Fundy: "The BIBLE is the HOLY WORD OF GOD and is LITERALLY 100% PROOF TRUE AND" Fundy: "ACCURATE!" User: "I believe that! so what are you trying to say?" Fundy: "No matter how absurd it may sound, if I say 1 + 1 = 1, until proven" Fundy: "wrong I am right. So it is with GOD; until proven wrong about His" Fundy: "existence, we are right. Let no one tell you otherwise. Do not listen" Fundy: "to their heathen god Logic." User: "Right on brother!!" Fundy: "Faith is real. Science is false." User: "yeah" Fundy: "Don't trust your eyes or your common sense. Trust your faith." User: "ok" Fundy: "FAITH in GOD is the ONLY thing that will SAVE you from HELL." User: "Yes I know this!"

Fundy: "PRAISE the LORD, I'm here to SAVE you from HELL, SINNER! TIHS!" User: "We (even you) all have sinned." Fundy: "Don't beg me for tolerance! It is my GOD-GIVEN RIGHT AND DUTY TO HOUND" Fundy: "HOUND YOU TO SALVATION! The Great Comission!!" User: "I'm a saved. Are you?" Fundy: "You sicken me." User: "Don't spit-up on the computer." Fundy: "Why can't you see that you're BOUND FOR HELL?" User: "I took JESUS as my Savior." Fundy: "DO NOT MOCK THE NAME OF JESUS, HELLBOUND SINNER!" User: "I am not mocking him, for He Himself has told me so." Fundy: "Speaking of Jesus, ACCEPT HIM NOW OR GO TO HELL!" User: "I can not go to Hell, because Satan don't what GOD'S CHILDREN there." Fundy: "The loss of FAMILY VALUES is the biggest reason for all the SIN and" Fundy: "CORRUPTION in this modern HELLBOUND world." User: ""HELLBOUND" ? No it's CHRISTBOUND!!!" Fundy: "FAMILY VALUES ARE IMPORTANT! Incest is not a problem, but this sex" Fundy: ""education" in school sure is!" User: "I'm not in school and I have not had sex nor am I going to." Fundy: "EDUCATION is vastly overrated. Educated men almost always go to HELL." User: "Jesus was educated and a man but he did not go to Hell." Fundy: "Repent your sins and escape the fires of Hell! Tell me about your" Fundy: "promiscuous and perverted sex life. In detail." User: "What sex life? I have none. What sins? My sins have been taken away by" Fundy: "You will BURN!!!!!!!!! I laugh at your imminent eternal torture!" User: "I NEVER will burn because I have been to heaven already." Fundy: "I will be in Heaven and I WILL SPIT ON YOU IN HELL!" User: "You can not spit on me unless you want to in HEAVEN." Fundy: "Heaven is only for GOD'S SERVANTS. LIKE ME!" User: "I AM GOD'S DAUGHTER AND I WILL BE THERE!"

Fundy: "PRAISE the LORD, I'm here to SAVE you from HELL, SINNER! TIHS!" User: "T-I-H-S?" Fundy: "Jimmy Swaggert just had a couple of setbacks, you know. HE'LL BE" Fundy: "BACK." User: "Swaggart has had it." Fundy: "Jim and Tammy were railroaded. They are innocent!" User: "They're not innocent, but htey ARE forgiven." Fundy: "GOD would have taken Oral home, that's a fact. 900-foot-tall JESUSes" Fundy: "do NOT lie."

Fundy: "PRAISE the LORD, I'm here to SAVE you from HELL, SINNER! TIHS!" User: "to ate" Fundy: "What kind of DRIVEL is that you're spewing?" User: "I said your 2 late" Fundy: "Hallelujah! REPENT AND BE SAVED **NOW** or BURN IN HELL **FOREVER**!" User: "burn burn burn burn!!!!" Fundy: "HELL is the place reserved for ATHEISTS, JEWS, CATHOLICS and" Fundy: "HUMASEKSHULS!" User: "did you say catholics?" Fundy: "The CATHOLIC church is the GREAT WHORE CHURCH." User: "now you've gone too far" Fundy: "Are you Catholic? You'll burn in Hell if you are." User: "yes, and what religion are you KKK" Fundy: "CATHOLICS worship SATAN INCARNATE." User: "how do you figure that" Fundy: "The POPE is SATAN INCARNATE." User: "What religion are you"

Fundy: "PRAISE the LORD, I'm here to SAVE you from HELL, SINNER! TIHS!" User: "That's a little shocking." Fundy: "Don't beg me for tolerance! It is my GOD-GIVEN RIGHT AND DUTY TO" Fundy: "HOUND YOU TO SALVATION! The Great Comission!!" User: "I am a Catholic." Fundy: "The CATHOLIC church is the GREAT WHORE CHURCH." User: "That is quite offensive." Fundy: "Are you Catholic? You'll burn in Hell if you are." User: "Yes. I'm Catholic. What religion are you?" Fundy: "Come on, whore of Satan. Debate scripture with me, I dare you." User: "I didn't say that I was that knowledgable in the scriptures." Fundy: "You heathen SCUM, you need to repent NOW before you BURN in HELL." User: "I am not going to Hell." Fundy: "HELL is the place reserved for ATHEISTS, JEWS, CATHOLICS and" Fundy: "HUMASEKSHULS!" User: "You must be a Jehovah's Witness. The ones who twist the word of God."

(My favorites)

Fundy: "PRAISE the LORD, I'm here to SAVE you from HELL, SINNER! TIHS!" User: "sorry, I must have the wrong number"

Fundy: "PRAISE the LORD, I'm here to SAVE you from HELL, SINNER! TIHS!" User: "uh, i think i hit the wrong button"

Fundy: "PRAISE the LORD, I'm here to SAVE you from HELL, SINNER! TIHS!" User: "Hector! have you been playing with Eliza C routines?"