In this exclusive interview with Mary DeMoss (owner/operator of 'The Mary DeMoss Academy of Dance and Communication'), the Secret Squirrel reveals the truth behind the rumors that she is going to wed Mark Bunker (head guru of the highly acclaimed Bunkology(TM) movement).
Secret Squirrel: "Can you tell us how you met Mark?"
Mary: "I first saw Mark at a street party given by my friends from the Church of Scientology. As soon as I laid eyes on him, I knew he had to be mine. There is something so special about him that I'm drawn to him with an irresistible force. I can't stand the thought of not being by his side all the time."
Secret Squirrel: "What is it that is so special about Mark?"
Mary: "He is the most handsome, debonair and suave man I have ever met. When he looked into my eyes it was love at first sight. I will never forget our first dance. It was magic. As he twirled me in his arms, I became dizzy from the long forgotten passions that he reignited within me."
Secret Squirrel: "Is it true that the practice of Bunkology(TM) uses the Bunkometer(TM) during sex?"
Mary: "Yes, Mark and I use it all the time. Bunkology(TM) rocks! One night, I got six Rock Slams in a row before my needle floated. With Mark, I get twice as much for twice as long at half the cost."
Secret Squirrel: "When will the wedding be?"
Mary: "We have not set a definite date yet. I want to wait until I find friends to invite."
The Secret Squirrel contacted the church to confirm the persistent rumors that Mary is leaving Scientology to become a Bunkologist(TM). The official spokesman, Mike Rinder, would neither deny or confirm the rumor. He would only state for the record, "She died. Everyone dies. Scientology can help you with that."
The Bunkology(TM), Bunkologist(TM) and Bunkometer(TM) trademarks used by permission. For authorization to reprint this article, send a SASE with US$365.00 (for postage and handling) to the law offices of: Kobra, Toxon, Lion, Cheetham and Howe, Barratrists at Law.