"Hello, I'm not an uptight fascist conservative televangelist, but I play one on TV. And I'd like to talk to you about........ Anal Retention.
"Do you, like millions of others Religious Reich fascists across this great land of ours, suffer from Anal Retention? Do you get a queasy feeling when someone mentions 'welfare', or 'AIDS research', or 'Peace bro, and have a nice day, dude'? Does your colon twist into knots at the thought of keeping coerced prayer out of schools, or saving the rain forests, or taxing the upper class? Do you, like me, find yourself unable to move your bowels for several days after watching an episode of 'Murphy Brown'? If so then you, like so many other people in this wonderful nation we live in, suffer from Anal Retention. And if you feel the same way as me, you know that it's enough to make any decent hardworking patriotic heterosexual God-fearing Protestant white man puke up his Cream of Wheat, don't you?
"That's why the lab technicians at the GOP Medical Research Facility came up with this--- [(holds up a small bottle)]--- Liberal Away. That's right, just a few doses of Liberal Away can kill those harmful thoughts that cause liberalism and protect decent hardworking patriotic heterosexual God-fearing Protestant white men-- - and gals, heh heh--- from the agonies of severe Anal Retention. Here's how it works:
"Just a few drops of Liberal Away on your clothing in the morning sends out powerful anti-pheromones that drive even the most dogged liberals far away from you. When you encounter a liberal during the day who has a cold or a dysfunctional nose--- as you know so many of Them do--- just hire a Scientologist to lace the liberal's food with Liberal Away and they'll be sporting 'Jesse Helms for President' bumper stickers within the week. At night, you can even sprinkle Liberal Away generously around your bed, just in case one of those pinko-commie-hippie-yuppie-beatnik-queers decides to break into your house and steal all your Slim Whitman albums. Liberal Away has been tested extensively all over Central America and on most U.S. military bases, and has been proven to fight the effects of liberalism and Anal Retention time and again.
"So won't you order your supply of Liberal Away today, and help us put this fine, decent hardworking patriotic heterosexual God-fearing oughtta-be-all-Protestant-and-all- white country back on its feet again? Thank you, and God bless."
[(Voice-Over) "To order your supply of Liberal Away and stop the pain of Anal Retention, just send a check or money order for $19.95 to:]
P.O. Box 123-995
Salt Lake City, Utah 13120
Or call toll-free 1-800-466-6324. That's 1-800-IM-NOFAG