Anonymous asked this question on 5/1/2000:
I have a boyfriend who very rarely will pinch, hit and hurt me for no reason. i dont get bruised or anything though. i think he thinks that i want to wrestle or sumptin, but when i wrestle i dont hurt others that much. but after he does this he will kiss what he hurt better. he also sometimes calls me names for no reason. is this abuse?? if it is what can i do?? i dont want to leave him becasue i think i know why hes like this, his father used to hit his mother and him. and ive been with him for a very long time. what can i do to make him stop?? please help
DoveWingsT gave this response on 5/4/2000:
If You Think You Are Being Abused.
Feeling sorry for your abuser doesn't change their behavior ... instead:
Learn to recognize the abuse, if it feels scary or controlling, it's abuse. Abuse can be emotional, verbal, sexual, mental or physical. Whatever form it takes, you do not deserve to be treated that way.
Decide what is best for you, set your own limits, stick to them and feel good about taking charge of your life.
Call a friend, family, or counselor you trust. You are not to blame for his behavior. The right person for you could be a friend, parent, school counselor or teacher, doctor, crisis line worker or staff person at a women's shelter. If you have told someone and that person wasn't helpful, keep trying until someone really listens to you.
Join a support group. You are not alone.
Silent Tears, Inc. Online Support Group http://www.silenttears.org
If you think your friend is abusing their partner.
Help your friend take responsibility for his behavior by naming abuse when you see it or hear about it. Jealousy and possessiveness are an early warning of abuse.
Talk about the consequences of violence. Abusive behavior builds fear, not love. Tell you friend that assault is against the law and he is committing a crime.
Challenge their stereotyping and put downs of others. Don't laugh at jokes or comments that make fun of anyone.
Encourage them to get help. Let them know it will probably happen again and may be worse the next time. Offer to go with your friend to get help. They can't solve this problem alone. Phone a crisis line or a victims shelter to find out about resources in your community.
For a listing of resources in your community. Please Contact Silent Tears, Inc. http://www.silenttears.org E-mail: SilentTearsInc@aol.com
DoveWingsT gave this follow-up answer on 5/4/2000:
PLEASE PRINT THIS AND PASS ALONG TO YOUR BOYFRIEND, HE NEEDS TO SEEK HELP FOR THIS.If You Think You Are Being Abusive: Recognize that you have a problem which will get worse if you don't do something about it.
Admit you need help. Change is easier when you have help and support. Don't try to solve this problem alone. Learned abusive behavior can be unlearned.
Confide in someone. Be honest about your behavior. Find a friend or counselor to talk with who will help you make changes. Making changes will make you feel better about yourself.
Don't blame. You are responsible for understanding and changing your abusive actions. Don't blame your partner, anger, jealousy, alcohol, drugs, or other stresses.
Don't wait until you are abusive again and hurt the person you care for. Go for help. Take time out from relationships.
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