Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:
What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?
1uglyhombre gave this response on 5/2/2000:
Hi. You have described the classic domestic violence pattern called "The Honeymoon Period." A violent male will often be very sweet, attentive, and "charming" right after an episode of violence. He will then grow more and more abusive until the violence occures again--- and then he is back in the "Honeymoon" period of the cycle.
In my opinion, your boyfriend is one sick asshole bastard and ought to be beaten senseless for his behavior. But that's just my opinion, and most will disagree with me.
Please look over the following web site about Domestic Violence:
It offers a few tips. Also, please call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and ask them for what your options are.
As for "what is going on in [your] boyfriend's head," that is covered in the excellent book "Male Violence" which looks at the sociological and genetic causes of male violence among the apes (Chimpanzees, Humans, Gorillas, and Orang utans: all are apes). Your boyfriend is showing classic gorilla behavior. That is totally UNACCEPTABLE and must be corrected. If he refuses to seek mental health services, he will never (in my opinion) get better.
Please call 1-800-799-7233 and ask them for advice. If that number is busy, look in your telephone book's government services pages for "Domestic Violence."
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