Anonymous asked this question on 4/26/2000:
Two months ago, my first boyfriend was hit by a train and killed (we don't know if it was suicide or not). My question is complicated. He hit me during our relationship and verbally abused me, as well. He threatened to kill himself if I ever left and two years afterward this "accident" occured. I have problems dealing with it as I feel partially to blame-if I only got him help, etc. Should I feel so guilty? His mother told me he never really got over me and never had a real girlfriend after me. Obviously I feel like it's my fault. It's probably ridiculous to feel this way but my question is:
How do I get over this and learn to deal with it?
tcsmpsi gave this response on 4/26/2000:
First of all, we do not know if it was a suicide or not. Putting oneself to be run over by a train would be a VERY unusual method.
Now, with that out of the way....I understnad your concerns. No, you should not feel guilty, as there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. You were in an abusive relationship and decided to not to continue it. You have no responsibility for his emotional being. Nor, would you have been able to change that within him.
It is very natural for us to question ourselves as to whether 'we did all that we could have done'. This is a trait of compassion. Remember to keep it at that, and not to place 'blame'.
If you would like to talk more about this, and maybe tell me more of the circumstance of his incident with the train, please contact me.
Sincerely, Michael (tcsmpsi)
tcsmpsi gave this follow-up answer on 4/27/2000:
Do you know any of the details of the incident of his meeting with the train?
Though I haven't lost an ex-girlfriend in that particular manner, I have lost abuse victims which I have spent many long hours of heart to heart with. There was one who was/is particularly engraved eternally in my being. She was sixteen when she came. She had heard of me through others on the street. She had been sold by her mother when she was four, and had experienced most every sexual torture that one can and still survive. When she came to me, it was a 'last chance' gesture at finding something she was looking for. Basically, she had just walked out of a 'household' of several individuals who were using her in any manner they saw fit for the moment. She was the most scarred, physically and emotionally, girl I had ever come in contact with. In a very short period of time, we established Trust. The first time she had ever known the feeling. Then, she knew that is what she was looking for. It was as if her prior life was non-existent. I knew the 'group' she was involved with, as it was not the first time I had 'taken' one of their victims. She and I talked of it, and knew the dangers involved in her leaving. I had explained the particulars of how I would handle that, as I had before. Her fear, and her mmotivation came from her newly revealed compassion. She went back........because she could not endanger me by her leaving. Nothing I could say or do would change her mind. Two days later, pieces of her were found. What could I have done differently?? Yes, I know that question well. Every person makes their own decisions. We can never make those decisions for them. We do all that is possible for us to do at the time. It then becomes one of our life experiences, to blend within the entirety of our self. It has it's place to add to the foundation of who we are. As I mentioned before, your concerns are based in your compassion, and your depth of compassion will grow from this. And, always I will be here if you would like to talk further. Michael
The average rating for this answer is 4.
Anonymous rated this answer a 4.
Thanks for easing my mind so far. I would like to talk about it some more-thank you.