Anonymous asked this question on 4/16/2000:
I have been involved in a relationship for 8 years that for 7 was the most wonderful relationship I have ever known. Then he met someone and for the last year has repeatedly lied to me. He tells me that they are only friends, that he's just helping her. Then turns around and says that it's my fault that he's with her. That he could never rely on me to be there to talk to. That he didn't go to her for sex but for companionship. He says that I don't have the ability to love anyone, that I am selfish, controlling, manipulative. I don't think I am, I want to please people and will do anything for them. I have been by his side for 8 years, even though he has spent time with other woman (he says he never slept with them and that he loved me so much). But now he puts me down at every opporunity and calls me names and yells constantly. Why would he change like this? He was extremely loving and caring. Now he treats me like I'm dirt, like I'm not worthy of even acknowledging as being alive. Did I do something to be treated like this? All I ever did was love him and try to always be there for him.
Cntrygrl gave this response on 4/17/2000:
First I want you to know I know exactly how you feel!! My ex-husband was wonderful in the beginning...what they call a real charmer! Less than a month after we were married he started abusing me....that is what I hear going on here with you, unfortunately!! Your boyfriend is abusing you emotionally, which can be more devastating than physical abuse in that bruises can heal a lot quicker than the mind!! The cycle of violence goes like this: I call the first step the warm-up..in other words, he may be upset about something and will think about it possibly for days, and his anger and upsetment become worse; second is the blow-up...he'll yell, call you names, tell you you're worth nothing, etc...and lastly is the honeymoon period where he will just about beg you to forgive him...he'll tell you he didn't know what came over him..he just got so angry...and he'll promise you that he'll never do it again!! Trust me with this....they will ALWAYS do it again...unfortunately!! My suggestion to you is to remove yourself from that relationship as soon as you can...the longer YOU enable him to abuse you..the longer, and the worse, it will get...when I say YOU enable him to continue abusing you, I mean that because you're still with him under these circumstances, you are allowing him to continue this type of behavior. I would also suggest you gently suggest to him to seek counselling for his behavior!! I hope this helps you out...pls. let me know if I can be of any further help. You take care and I do wish you the best!!
Anonymous asked this follow-up question on 4/17/2000:
What's the best way to suggest to him that he needs to talk to someone about this? I don't want him to get angrier at me than he already is. But I know that his anger is getting out of hand. He gets upset about everything I do. We are apart right now, but I still love him and can't understand where this change came from. I want him to get help and understand what he has been doing to me. But I'm afraid to bring up the subject of emotional abuse. He already calls me crazy. I'm depressed - but not crazy.
Cntrygrl gave this response on 4/18/2000:
I really don't know if there's a best way to tell him that he needs to talk with someone, but if you're that afraid of his anger, which that's what it sounds like to me, then since you're apart right now, maybe you should try to talk with him over the phone about it....if he starts to yell or get upset, you can always hang up on him. I know that sounds terrible, but it's better than listening to his hurtful things to you! I know you want to try to help him, but hun, HE has to help HIMSELF!! This time, YOU can't do it for HIM!! Unfortunately, this type of situation does not change unless the abuser is faced with what he's done, and seeks counselling....no matter what you do or say will not matter. I know this may sound hopeless, but it is unfortunately true! I hope this helps you a bit, and pls. let me know if I can be of any further help to you. Pls. let me know how it goes...you take care of yourself. I wish you the best!!
The average rating for this answer is 4.
Anonymous rated this answer a 4.