''The Book of the In-Laws''

             Liber Call Me AL
               vel vel, now.
            sub figura skating

         "The Book of the In-Laws"

    1. New and improved!  The filet  of
       Haddock.
    2. Oh  come,  all  ye faithful, and
       Jim shall spill all the  secrets
       which  have  not  been  revealed
       already.  I, Christopher  Robin,
       am  the  complement  of Pooh, my
       bear. He is hungry, and he lives
       under the name of Sanders.
    3. I  am   always  the   center  of
       attention, which makes my wife a
       bit edgy.
    4. Yet it is  she who gets  invited
       to the best parties.
    5. Yuck!    These  old  rituals are
       filthy!  Let the nasty ones  get
       lost;   let   the   good    take
       laxatives.  Then we'll talk.
    6. I am heartburn and sunstroke.  I
       am  Life,  and  I  gave  at  the
       office,  yet  I  am  expert   in
       Grateful Dead trivia.
    7. I am The Omen and The  Exorcist.
       I am the fly in the ointment and
       the lime in the coconut.   "Come
       unto me" is a foolish word,  for
       I do not make house calls.
    8. Who  worshipped  Har-Po-Marx has
       worshipped  me;  badly,  for   I
       prefer Chico.
    9. Remember that  existence is  one
       long party; that hangovers  pass
       and are  done, but  liver damage
       remains.
    10. O boy, I can see you had enough
       of this yesterday.
    11. I see you hate the hand and the
       pen, but  I could  not afford  a
       word processor.
    12. Because we are both broke.
    13.  for  why?  Because thou failed
       grammar, and me.
    14.  Also,  we  couldn't  pay   the
       electric bill.
    15.  For  I  am  just  the greatest
       thing, and my number is nine one
       one to the  fools, but with  the
       "in" crowd I  am eight, and  one
       eight, and four out of five, and
       two for  one.   Which is  really
       critical, only I forgot why.   I
       didn't  draw  to  my   Jack-high
       straight.
    16. I am a priest in drag.  Oh, and
       I can count to eleven, just like
       my wife.
    17. Hear me, ye people of sighing
       Whose next  three paychecks  are
       all spent;
       Now is the time to start  crying
       --
       The Landlord just increased your
       rent!
    18. They are better off dead, these
       worthless  bums.     they   will
       hardly feel a  thing.  We  don't
       care  --  we're  on  the winning
       team.
    19.  Is  God  to  walk a dog? Woof!
       But Pig enumerates to 93.
    20.  Beauty  and  fashion,   Malibu
       condos and  fast cars,  coke and
       cognac are of us.
    21. We have  nothing with the  scum
       and  the  rabble.    Refuse them
       spare change!  Kick them in  the
       ribs!    Spit  on  them!   Gouge
       their eyes out!  Drop napalm  on
       their  foul,  stinking   streets
       full of  cheap wine  bottles and
       shopping carts and -- excuse me,
       I got carried away.  If the body
       of the King dissolve, the Palace
       probably  needs   a  new   water
       softener.  Nuts!  Haddocks!  Pa-
       Ra-Keets!    UV  lamps, steroids
       and   contact   lenses,    track
       lighting!   I ask  you, is  this
       any way to run a pantheon?  Then
       again, what can you expect  from
       a bunch of nocturnal snakes?
    22. I am the Worm that lieth in the
       bottom  of  the  tequila  bottle
       which     fills     men     with
       drunkenness.   For a  good time,
       buy   strange   drugs   from  my
       distributor and trip  thereupon.
       The brain damage will barely  be
       noticeable.  Just say "Nu!"  The
       exposure  of  innocence  is fun.
       Be a manly,  lusty Man; you  can
       explain it all to God later.
    23. I am alone.   There is no  God.
       Where am I?
    24. But  ye, o  my people,  rise up
       and -- Shut  up, o deacon;  I am
       not there yet.  This is just one
       of many  Grave Mysteries  I plan
       to  hint   about  without   ever
       actually  telling  you anything.
       For example, it  is said, or  so
       some say,  that there  are those
       of  my  people  who are hermits.
       Now,  think  not  to  find  them
       milking goats in the West County
       of Ireland, or even standing  in
       wheatfields    holding    cubist
       lanterns  along  the  Tiphareth-
       Chesed Freeway, but at  cocktail
       parties, and in the Tokyo subway
       system.    How  is  it, you ask,
       that  such  people  are   deemed
       Hermits? Chalk up another  Grave
       Mystery.    Remember:  Kill  the
       wretched,  and  the  weak,   the
       struggling masses yearning to be
       free!    Burn  their homes, plow
       their fields with salt,  enslave
       them, oppress them -- oh my, I'm
       sorry,  I  seem  to  have gotten
       carried  away  again.   I really
       will  try  to  keep  a lid on it
       from now on.  Promise.
    25. It's us against them, boy,  and
       I say we call in the nukes!  The
       hell with what I just  promised!
       I  hate  them!    I  hate  them!
       Aaaargh!
    26.  I  am  the  train  entering  a
       tunnel, and the hot dog  chasing
       a donut.  If I lift up my  head,
       and  shoot  forth  venom, I will
       have to wash  the sheets in  the
       morning.
    27. There is danger in this  verse,
       for whoso  does not  give it  to
       his  editor  shall  make a great
       mess.  He shall stumble into the
       pit  called  Writers  Block, and
       there he  shall reason  with the
       Xaos.
    28.  Now,  damn  Because,  and  the
       horse he rode in on!
    29. Just who the Hell does  Because
       think he is, anyway?
    30. If  Will stops  and cries  Why,
       fire him.
    31.  If  Power  asks  Why,  tell it
       whatever it wants to hear.
    32.  Reason  won't  work either, at
       least not for you.
    33.  Enough  Because,  already!   I
       don't even like his dog!
    34. (What has he got against  dogs,
       anyway?  Is  it  my  turn,  now?
       Okay...*ahem*)  But  ye,  o   my
       people,  rise  up  and   restore
       circulation to your arms!
    35.  Let  the  rituals be performed
       with latex and farm animals!
    36. There  are parties  every other
       Tuesday at Bagh-i-muattar Camp.
    37. A feast for the first night  of
       Pernod over ice!
    38. A feast for each of the ninety-
       four days of the writing on  the
       Book of the In-Laws.
    39. A  feast for  Alexia, child  of
       1.75 Masters  -- Ptah-Sekhet,  O
       profit!
    40.   Practices   for    initiation
       rituals, and  practices for  the
       Equinox so we  can piss off  the
       A... A... types again.
    41.  A  feast  after  class,  and a
       feast  on  payday;  a  feast for
       life,  and  a  sudden  loss   of
       appetite following death.
    42. A  feast every  day with  me so
       you can get heartburn.
    43.  A  feast  every  night with my
       wife so you can get spacey.
    44. Yeah!   Party  hardy, bro,  and
       fear not hangovers at all.
    45. There  is death  for the  dogs,
       but  only  if  a Czechoslovakian
       restaurant    opens    in   your
       neighborhood.
    46.  Doest  thou  fall?    Art thou
       hurt?      Call   Work    Injury
       Resources at (213) 466-1058.
    47. Where am I?  What are these?
    48. Pity not  the fallen!   (What a
       great idea for a song  title...)
       they are not my problem!  I hate
       them,  hate  them,  hate   them!
       Torture them, destroy them, burn
       them,!   Rip their  throats open
       with dull knives, and -- whoops,
       there I go again.
    49.  I  am  Haddock,  hear me roar,
       while I kill and maim the  poor;
       they knew that I would get  them
       in the end.  (This is one of the
       nine to  five; after  work there
       is  happy  hour,  wherein  I  am
       three sheets to the wind.)
    50.  Green  am  I,  and pink in the
       weave of my  shirt, yet the  red
       lines are  in my  eyes, and  the
       purple shadows under them.
    51. I mean really purple; it is the
       light high  as a  mountain, tall
       as a tree.  My toadie shall call
       this   light   "infrared,"  thus
       establishing his credentials  to
       create  a  system  of scientific
       illuminism.
    52. There is  some veal; that  veal
       is black.   It  is the  veal you
       bought for  dinner three  months
       ago; it is  the veal that  still
       lieth  in   the  back   of  your
       refrigerator.   Throw away  this
       fuzzy specimen of mycology!   Do
       this,  and  I  shall reward thee
       with  freedom  from  severe food
       poisoning.
    53.  Don't  worry,  kid,  you won't
       regret writing  this thing.  You
       are  perfectly  OK,  I swear it,
       and any minor discomfort you may
       feel  is  only  temporary,   and
       probably   just    psychosomatic
       anyway.
    54.  So  your  family,  loved ones,
       friends,   and   everyone   else
       you've   ever   respected  think
       you've  gone  off  the deep end?
       Big deal!  You know who you  can
       trust, right? The stops as  thou
       wilt; the  yields as  prescribed
       by state law.
    55.  Thou  shalt  learn  the entire
       English  Alphabet;  thou   shalt
       learn    to    construct   words
       therefrom.
    56.  Laugh  while  you  still  can,
       mockers!  They laughed at me  at
       the University,  but now,  now I
       will show them! Ahahaha!
    57. He that  is righteous shall  be
       righteous  still,  he  that   is
       filthy shall take a bath.
    58. Don't  go changing,  to try  to
       please me, I  love you just  the
       way you are.   Perhaps that  bum
       is a  King who  likes cheap  red
       wine.    A  King  can choose his
       refreshment  as  he  will;   the
       rabble  cannot  hide  their poor
       taste.
    59. Kill them all, and let Me  sort
       them out!
    60. Strike low, strike often;  kick
       them when they're down, so  they
       won't get up again!
    61. There is  a light before  thine
       eyes,  a  light  undesired, most
       annoying.  Buy  a new shade  for
       your desk lamp.
    62. Your chest hurts, and the  roof
       is leaking.
    63. Just breathing is an effort.
    64. Oh!   You let your  guard down,
       we have you now: hail, hail, the
       gang's  all  here:  prophet of a
       Nut! prophet of the Odd! Prophet
       of Bar-B-Que!  Now rejoice,  and
       party, and write trashy novels!
    65. I am the Master; you will  obey
       me.
    66.  Write   and  work,   and  find
       ecstasy  in  bed!    Thrill with
       victory and  agonize in  defeat!
       Those who  see your  death shall
       be glad -- doesn't that make you
       feel just great?  I love you  so
       much  I  think  I'll  kill  you.
       Cheer  up!    We're  all in this
       together.
    67.  Hold!    A  little more to the
       left!    Keep  it  up!   Oh, for
       God's sake, don't pass out now!
    68.  Harder!    Faster!    Oh!  Oh!
       OH!!!
    69. Whew!   What do I  feel?  Am  I
       exhausted?  Not with this  verse
       number, I'm not.
    70.  There  are  other  ways,  too.
       Wisdom says: be rich! Then canst
       thou     afford     more    joy.
       Recrystallize  thy  rapture.  If
       thou drink, don't drive, if thou
       love,  do.    If  thou  do aught
       joyous,  don't  get  caught, and
       destroy all evidence.
    71. But go for the gusto!
    72. Grab more and more!  Live fast,
       die young, leave a  good-looking
       corpse.
    73. Ah!  Ah!  Death!  Death!  Thou!
       Thou!  Shalt!  Shalt! Long!   --
       excuse me, I got stuck.  Anyway,
       forget death.
    74.  Absence  makes  the Heart grow
       fonder.  He  who lives long  and
       desires death much is  obviously
       not very good at suicide.
    75. Aha!  Listen to the Secret Code
       Message:
    76. 20-N-Z  6-B-17-M  3-M-2-N-3-M-3
       16-6-C-15   18-14-N-11-5.   What
       the Hell  does that  mean?   You
       won't figure it out, that's  for
       sure.  Ten cometh after me; they
       shall read  it, and  weep.   But
       remember  --  even  if you don't
       understand  it,  you  can  still
       tell it to your friends.
    77. O be  thou proud and  macho and
       muscular, and  the Castro  shall
       be thine.
    78.  Thou  art  really something, a
       special kind of guy, truly  head
       and shoulders above the crowd, a
       standout, one-of-a-kind.   Thine
       head shall  expand to  encompass
       the stars.   They  shall worship
       thy name, and the number of  thy
       beverage 202.
    79.  The  end   of  the  filet   of
       Haddock,  and  so  long  to you,
       sucker.