Lawyer Jokes

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What does a lawyer typically say in a bar?
A: "Moo"

Q: What is the best way a lawyer can prolong his life?
A: Wrap himself with duct tape.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
   in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.


A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run
     those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
     voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

Q: Why are so many experimental labs now using lawyers instead of white
   rats?
A: (1) There are more lawyers than rats,  (2) grad students don't
   become emotionally attached to the lawyers and  (3) There are some
   things even a rat won't do.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

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WASHINGTON 1986/87 ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

1300.01   GENERAL

 1.  Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
harvest attorneys.

 2.  Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.  The
use of currency as bait is prohibited.

 3.  Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited.  If
accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
nearest car wash.

 4.  It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

 5.  It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

 6.  It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.

 7.  It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

 8.  It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
ambulances, or hospitals.

 9.  If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10.  Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11.  It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

 1.  Yellow Bellied Sidewinder                     2
 2.  Two-faced Tort Feasor                         1
 3.  Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator               4
 4.  Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only)      3
 5.  Big-mouthed Pub Gut                           2
 6.  Honest Attorney                         EXTINCT
 7.  Cut-throat                                    2
 8.  Back-stabbing Whiner                          2
 9.  Brown-nosed Judge Kisser                      2
10.  Silver-tongued Drug Defender        $100 BOUNTY
11.  Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian                 7

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These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
cross the Atlantic Ocean.  After 37 hours in the air, George says
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover.  George says, "I still can't
tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground".  So Harry
yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And
the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet
up in the air".  George turns to Harry and says "That man must
be a lawyer".  And Harry says "How can you tell?".  George says
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless".

That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still
worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink,
and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists
Soaked by Lawyer".

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A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the man. "Only
a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 of them."


A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."


"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."


     A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor
that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain.  The doctor
then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"
     "What type?" the woman asked.
     "Yes," replied the doctor.  "There is a substantial difference in
price.  For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000,
while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for
$50,000, and so on.
     "Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain?  Ever since I was a
little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."
     "That's $250,000," the doctor replied.
     "Why so much? the woman asked.  "That's over four times what a
surgeon's brain costs."
     "Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound
of brain?" the doctor replied.


     For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
     "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" 
he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
     "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."


     Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill.  Who gets it?  The old drunk, of course, the
other three are mythological creatures.


     A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it.
     "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
     "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
     "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
     "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"


     It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.  Doctor Green
came over to see him.
     "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
court when you accused me of malpractice."
     "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
it be?"
     "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
     "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
     "Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
     "What are you talking about?"
     "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
     "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
     "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
     "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
     "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an
Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin
headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
     "Why are you reading that to me?"
     "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
     "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
     "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
     "Then get me another doctor."
     "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
This is the only place that I can practice."
     "If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
appeal your case to a higher court."
     "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
a kidney stone."
     "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at him."
     "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
to be in a lot of pain.' "
     "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"
     "I better check you out first."
     "Don't check me out, just give the dope."
     "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely.  It would be negligent of me if I didn't
do it now.  Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
     "What for?"
     "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
     "I'm not going to sue you."
     "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass the kidney stone?"


Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.


A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to 
which he retreated for several weeks of the year.  Each summer, the lawyer 
would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to 
spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods 
section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian 
friend to stay with him.  The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, 
agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and 
living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his 
Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning 
breakfast.  As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and 
raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a 
female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. 
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and 
swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as 
fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed 
his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, 
the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing 
to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his 
head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and 
without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE 
FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the 
other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who 
told you that the Czech was in the Male?" 
 

Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a
little stroll.  He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in
need of some repair.  So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.

Saint Peter: "This fence needs some repair.  I'll see to it that it
             gets fixed if you will help pay for it."
Lucifer:     "If you want it fixed, you pay for it."  
Saint Peter: "The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help
             pay for it or I will sue you for that amount."
Lucifer:     "Ha!!  Where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!"