THE POWER POSTING SCHOOL ***

Article 296 of rec.humor.funny: Path: 
hadron!sundc!pitstop!sun!decwrl!labrea!rutgers!clyde!watmath!looking!funny
From: [email protected] (John Shipman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: POWER POSTING SCHOOL
Keywords: rec.humor,chuckle
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: 14 Feb 88 21:33:05 GMT 
Sender: [email protected]
Organization: Zoological Data Processing 
Lines: 67
Approved: [email protected] 

Are you REALLY SATISFIED with the impact of your USENET postings? Do 
people quail and quiver at the thought of your followups?  Is your name 
on the lips of net.fans on seven continents?  

Or perhaps you are NOT HAPPY with your posting style.  Do people ignore 
you?  Perhaps you are disappointed that no one ever posts followups to 
your messages, or that Mark Ethan Smith is more famous than you.  
Perhaps you are bored and like to get lots of mail. If so, take heart!  
Here is a new service for net.wimps!  

            *** THE POWER POSTING SCHOOL *** 

Our world-flamous instructors will turn you into A BEAST OF A MAN. 
Topics will range from pure theory (Monty Python's Argument Clinic) to 
practice (assignments reading and posting in alt.flame, soc.singles and 
other hot-gas newsgroups).  

Seminars will focus on patented power-posting techniques: 

*** USE OF REPETITION AND CAPITALS.  Suppose some clown makes a mistake 
of fact in his posting (e.g., <[email protected]>, by John Shipman): 

    >> The FORTRAN 77 standard does not prohibit modification 

    >> of the iteration variable inside the loop.  

Now, some WUSS might try to be polite, and reply 

    I believe you have missed a critical paragraph in the standard 
    (e.g., <[email protected]> and <[email protected]>).  

You'll never get anywhere with this approach.  People are so ready to 
hit the `n' key these days; you have to get their attention with flashy 
graphics or they'll ignore you altogether.  The proper style is: (e.g., 
<[email protected]>): 

    WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG 

Politeness is for wimps.  If people have been ignoring you, it's not 
because you're a twit, but because you don't SCREAM LOUD ENOUGH (the Sam 
Kinison School).  

*** THE SMILEY FACE: YOUR SHIELD AGAINST A CRUEL WORLD.  You can say 
anything you want, no matter how insulting, and get away with it! All 
you have to do is obey the proper net.etiquette.  Example: 

    This is not a flame, you scumbag, slimeball toad!  Your parents 
    were mutant intestinal parasites!  Your face would make a pathologist 
    puke!  Vultures and maggots would disdain your carcass!  Your romantic 
    preference is for pets, livestock, organ meats, AIDS sufferers and 
    rejects from Idi Amin's harem!  :-)   (No flames, please) 

*** THE GRANDSTAND FINISH.  No one will respect you unless your 
.signature file runs for two screens.  Special lectures will cover: 

 -- Drawing unrecognizable pictures using only ASCII characters 
 -- How to come up with at least 35 different return mail paths 
 -- Sources for obscure, meaningless, flashy quotations 

*** CALL TODAY.  Are you ORGANISM ENOUGH to be a net.god like Fai  Lau? 
Interested applicants please reply by posting in alt.flame.  Please 
don't reply by e-mail, as the instructors spend all their time reading 
the net and never get to the e-mail.  

-- John Shipman/Zoological Data Processing/Socorro, New Mexico USENET: 
ihnp4!lanl!unm-la!unmvax!nmtsun!john 
  ``If you can't take it, get stronger.'' --Falline Danforth